By Tim Emrick
November 9, 2016
NORTH POLE -- In a surprise press conference today, Santa Claus made a rare public appearance in order to address the children of the United States of America.
“I know that many of you, as well as your parents, are frightened by the prospect of a Trump presidency,” the patron saint of children said. “Now more than ever, it is important to remember to be kind to one another. Be good, for goodness’ sake!”
Santa reassured his audience that his determination to distribute presents to nice children remains undaunted. “Remember Heat Miser? Loud-mouthed, orange-haired buffoons have never stopped me for long,” Claus said confidently.
When reporters asked how the election results would affect Kringle’s recent reinstitution of “the coal standard” for adults on his “naughty” list, the jolly old elf’s smile faltered. “I admit that we grossly underestimated the demand for coal in an election year. Sure, I know who’s naughty and who’s nice, but humans have free will, which means I can’t predict the future perfectly.” But then the twinkle returned to his eye. “However, my elves are already in negotiations with mining companies in Appalachia to help us meet our new quota. The silver lining here is that hundreds, if not thousands, of unemployed coal miners will get their old jobs back. For the next four years, at least. By then, we hope to have retrained many of them for jobs in the toy industry.” Then he winked at the camera. “Yes, West Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.”